Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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