he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it's like iHOP with fire
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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