I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
