You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
