I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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