he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
