she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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