i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
