sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
