I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
