After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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