drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
