Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
