I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
