Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
