Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
