We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
