just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
