hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
