96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm both gender and math confused
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
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