Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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