and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
