I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
