it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
