Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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