I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
