I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
