Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
