I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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