those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
