If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
