I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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