I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
