He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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