Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
