i don't like sucking hair
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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