Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
