I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
