Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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