Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
