When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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