I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
