i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
