My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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