Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
