it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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