Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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