If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
