so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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