she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
