I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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