If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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