no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
