If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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