I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
