he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can't turn off my feet"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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